2020
Everyone’s lives were affected during the pandemic, some more than others. Still, we all have different strengths and weaknesses making each of our struggles equally valid. It took me some time to learn and accept this. I’m hoping it brings some light to those who are still struggling with our current reality or facing the heartbreak of being away from the ones we love.
Although this crisis brought some global unity in the shared notion that we all must isolate ourselves to stop the spread; a lot of us were feeling so alone. My anxiety brought upon guilt when healthcare workers, farmworkers, and many other essential people were putting themselves at risk to keep the world running. I felt like I shouldn’t be complaining. I am blessed enough to have a place to call home, have a healthy family, and enough savings to keep food on the table. Still, I felt an overwhelming sadness at the fact that I no longer had control of my future and my destiny.
hopelessness
The most complicated thing of all for me was that I had begun a binational relationship. Needless to say, the uncertainty of when I would see my boyfriend again made our new normal even more difficult to handle. I agree that my problem is a privilege. “It’s not a real problem”, some people would say, in comparison to what is happening in the world. People are losing their jobs, their sustenance, and their lives.
This unbearable weight on my shoulders took me to dark places I never thought of before. Although I knew this crisis to be temporary since nothing is forever, I spent days fantasizing about how I could cut ties with this world once and for all. I focused on the negative by thinking that even if I survive the pandemic, life is nothing but a rollercoaster of emotions and I wasn’t strong enough to survive another fall.
The night is always darkest before dawn.
It’s not easy for anyone to admit this but the more we destigmatize these feelings of hopelessness the more we can help others see the light at the end of the tunnel. As I said, I am blessed, mainly because I’ve been isolating with my loving parents and my needy puppies. They helped me be present and see the beauty of our situation. After years of being away from my hometown, I finally got to spend quality time with my loved ones. I used my isolation time to work on myself. It took me months, with many falls in between, to appreciate my surroundings and learn to be patient with that which I can’t control.
Focus on the present
Everyone follows a different path to achieving peace of mind. Mine was mindfulness. Meditating seemed almost impossible at first with soooo many things in my mind, but that’s the point, to learn how to quiet your mind and focus on one thing at a time. To focus on your present since the past has passed and we can’t control the future. And, to reign control over your emotions by searching the root of each feeling and confronting it.
I started with 5 minute guided meditations from Spotify, which at first, even 5 minutes seemed like an eternity when struggling with an unsettled heart and mind. I then noticed the uneasiness I felt throughout the day when I skipped that calming time. And like everything, once you do it every day, it becomes a necessary part of your routine.
Face your thruth
I realize this post is far from my regular content. After months of ignoring my blog I am opening myself with the hope that my truth can help others in the loneliness that despair and pain brings to our souls. If you ever feel like the world would be better without you or that YOU would be better off without the world, I urge you to seek help. Life is never is easy but nothing worthwhile is.
To quote Harvey Dent “The night is always darkest before dawn” meaning that even our darkest moments will eventually pass. There’s always something positive in our lives, even if it’s just the ability to feel the ground beneath us. Remember to always be present, even in unfavorable times.
Who or what keeps you smiling?
